I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
