Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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