Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
