Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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