Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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