Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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