please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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