That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
