your parents love me but you hate me
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she peed on how many people?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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