what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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