I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
