no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
