I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
