Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
