if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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