it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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