My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
