I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
