Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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