you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
