Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
