I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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