if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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