I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
