I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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