dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
