When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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