half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
