So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
