Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
