It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
