I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
