He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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