Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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