I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
