You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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