i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
