I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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