um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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