omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
