I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
