I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
