I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
