I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
