I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
