Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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