I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
