her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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