You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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