I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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