I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
