So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
