Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
