Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize