as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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