life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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