Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
