dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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