i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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